Attachment Issues Now?!

You adopted your child several years ago. It was a smooth transition and she adjusted well to your family. She is now beginning to show signs of attachment disorder, and you wonder, “How is this possible? She seemed to be so attached to us. What is going on?” Keep reading and you will discover how this can happen!

One common myth about attachment disorder is that if a child is adopted as an infant, then he or she will not have any attachment issues. The reason behind this is that they will receive the love and nurturing that they need right from the start. It is true that the younger a child is when he or she is adopted, the less likely they are to experience severe attachment issues, but it does not eliminate the possibility of attachment issues in the future. Why? Attachment issues are not caused by the adoption or the age of the child at the time of adoption.

Attachment disorder is caused by the shame that the child internalizes as a result of the perceived abandonment and rejection from the birth mother. When a birth mother chooses not to raise her child, the child experiences abandonment and rejection. She will come to the conclusion that she was not good enough for her birth mother or that she is unlovable. This is the beginning of shame! When the child is very young and is receiving the love and nurturing needed from his or her adoptive parents, the shame may not come out. As the child gets older, however, she will begin to have questions about why her birth mom chose not to raise her. If these issues have not been addressed and resolved effectively since her adoption, the result will be attachment issues.

These issues can appear at any time, but there appears to be a few key developmental stages when they are likely to appear. The first is when the child begins school. He is beginning to discover who he is apart from his mom and dad. As he goes through this “discovery” process, his insecurities due to shame may arise. Another stage that attachment may first arise is at the beginning of adolescence. As she moves into adolescence, which is already a time of insecurity, her questions about why she wasn’t good enough for her birth mom may become more consuming, causing greater insecurity and attachment issues. Finally, as the child becomes an adult and begins to think about a life partner and raising children, the shame may arise and cause difficulties.

If you are experiencing this, there is hope. Contact me at kurtellis@att.net and help your child get rid of the shame by resolving the abandonment and rejection issues. It is never too soon and never too late!