The Grieving Adopted Child

All of us have experienced loss and the grief that results from that loss. Most psychologists agree that we all go through the same stages in the grieving process. Each of us, however, experiences that grief in our own unique way.

Many will say that since infants and toddlers cannot conceptualize loss and because they cannot verbalize their experience, they do not experience grief. Nothing could be further from the truth! Even though they cannot verbalize it, they still experience loss. An adopted child experiences many losses--the loss of birth parents, the familiarity of the orphanage (or foster care), his or her primary care givers, other children, and the list goes on. The fact that they cannot express this profound sense of loss, however, makes their grief more difficult to overcome.

SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF IN A CHILD

Because the child is unable to verbalize his or her grief, it will be evident in behavioral ways.

1. Decrease in the child's activity level. Parents should still provide consistent opportunities for activity.

2. Decrease in appetite. This may lead to some weight loss. If weight loss does occur, your pediatrician should be consulted.

3. Increase in irritability.

4. Sleep disturbances. The adopted child should sleep in the same room as his or her parents or one parent should be present while the child is falling asleep.

5. Regression in behaviors such as potty training.


CHILD'S NEEDS

1. Consistent routine. This will allow the child to begin to trust you.

2. Additional touching, holding, and cuddling.

3. Additional play time with parents.

4. Expressions of love.

This can be a very trying time for new adoptive parents who are showering their child with love and are not getting loved in return. Not only is patience a virtue, but in this case, it is absolutely essential. The child needs an environment of safety and security in order to work through grief. If he or she senses the frustration of the parent, then it will be much more difficult for the child to resolve the grief. Remember that this is a hurting, confused little child who needs to be supported and loved in his or her hurting and confusion. When the grief is resolved, you will begin to see the real child that you adopted.