It has been quite some time since my last post, and a lot has changed for me. As of the middle of April, I am no longer working at Adoption Associates. I have decided to start a family counseling practice, working mainly with attachment issues and other adoption related issues. There is such a huge need for this and so few therapists in West Michigan trained in attachment adoption issues.
In addition to my private practice, I want this blog to be a useful tool for adoptive families. If there are specific topics you would like me to discuss, please leave a comment, and I will try to address the issues that are important to you.
If you would like more information about the services that I provide, please feel free to email me at kurtellis@att.net. Also, please check back regularly, as I will be adding new posts as often as possible.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
When to Inform the Adopted Child That He or She is Adopted
There are two general schools of thought on how and when to inform an adopted child that he or she is adopted. The first is to wait until the child is old enough to understand. The second is to make it part of your conversation with the child from the very beginning even though the child will not understand. So which way is the best way? Let's examine both.
WAIT UNTIL THE CHILD IS OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND
The benefit of this method is that the adoptive parents can have a meaningful conversation about the adoption and can answer any questions that the child may have. The adoptive parents can explain their reasons for adopting and can share as much background information as they have about the birth family.
The drawbacks to this method, however, outweigh the benefits. This very likely will confuse the child's sense of self-identity. It may also cause the child to lose trust in his or her adoptive parents. The child may wonder what other "lies" he or she has been told. It may also cause the child to wonder if the parents kept the truth from him or her because they are disappointed that they could not have "children of their own".
MAKE IT PART OF NORMAL CONVERSATIONS
In this method, the adoptive parent is essentially giving the adopted child all of the pieces of the puzzle, even though the child is not yet able to complete the puzzle. As the child develops cognitively, however, the pieces are there for him or her to begin to put together. The adoptive parents are also able to help put the pieces together. As the pieces are put together, the picture begins to take shape. The puzzle is completed slowly as the child's understanding grows.
I believe that this is the best method for several reasons. First, it fosters trust from the very beginning and does not cause the child to wonder what other secrets have been kept from him or her. Second, it decreases the likelihood of damaging the child's self-identity, especially as they enter different developmental stages. Third, it sends the message that adoption is a beautiful thing and not something to be kept hidden. It also sends the message that adoption is a "normal" way for families to grow. Fourth, it gives the child the opportunity to ask questions when he or she is ready with confidence that the questions will be answered honestly. Finally, it gives the family the opportunity to celebrate the child's heritage and culture (if different from the adoptive parents) and important events such as the child's adoption day.
I know that this is a very controversial topic that can evoke many reactions. Your comments and the discussion that follow are welcome.
WAIT UNTIL THE CHILD IS OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND
The benefit of this method is that the adoptive parents can have a meaningful conversation about the adoption and can answer any questions that the child may have. The adoptive parents can explain their reasons for adopting and can share as much background information as they have about the birth family.
The drawbacks to this method, however, outweigh the benefits. This very likely will confuse the child's sense of self-identity. It may also cause the child to lose trust in his or her adoptive parents. The child may wonder what other "lies" he or she has been told. It may also cause the child to wonder if the parents kept the truth from him or her because they are disappointed that they could not have "children of their own".
MAKE IT PART OF NORMAL CONVERSATIONS
In this method, the adoptive parent is essentially giving the adopted child all of the pieces of the puzzle, even though the child is not yet able to complete the puzzle. As the child develops cognitively, however, the pieces are there for him or her to begin to put together. The adoptive parents are also able to help put the pieces together. As the pieces are put together, the picture begins to take shape. The puzzle is completed slowly as the child's understanding grows.
I believe that this is the best method for several reasons. First, it fosters trust from the very beginning and does not cause the child to wonder what other secrets have been kept from him or her. Second, it decreases the likelihood of damaging the child's self-identity, especially as they enter different developmental stages. Third, it sends the message that adoption is a beautiful thing and not something to be kept hidden. It also sends the message that adoption is a "normal" way for families to grow. Fourth, it gives the child the opportunity to ask questions when he or she is ready with confidence that the questions will be answered honestly. Finally, it gives the family the opportunity to celebrate the child's heritage and culture (if different from the adoptive parents) and important events such as the child's adoption day.
I know that this is a very controversial topic that can evoke many reactions. Your comments and the discussion that follow are welcome.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
The Grieving Adopted Child
All of us have experienced loss and the grief that results from that loss. Most psychologists agree that we all go through the same stages in the grieving process. Each of us, however, experiences that grief in our own unique way.
Many will say that since infants and toddlers cannot conceptualize loss and because they cannot verbalize their experience, they do not experience grief. Nothing could be further from the truth! Even though they cannot verbalize it, they still experience loss. An adopted child experiences many losses--the loss of birth parents, the familiarity of the orphanage (or foster care), his or her primary care givers, other children, and the list goes on. The fact that they cannot express this profound sense of loss, however, makes their grief more difficult to overcome.
SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF IN A CHILD
Because the child is unable to verbalize his or her grief, it will be evident in behavioral ways.
1. Decrease in the child's activity level. Parents should still provide consistent opportunities for activity.
2. Decrease in appetite. This may lead to some weight loss. If weight loss does occur, your pediatrician should be consulted.
3. Increase in irritability.
4. Sleep disturbances. The adopted child should sleep in the same room as his or her parents or one parent should be present while the child is falling asleep.
5. Regression in behaviors such as potty training.
CHILD'S NEEDS
1. Consistent routine. This will allow the child to begin to trust you.
2. Additional touching, holding, and cuddling.
3. Additional play time with parents.
4. Expressions of love.
This can be a very trying time for new adoptive parents who are showering their child with love and are not getting loved in return. Not only is patience a virtue, but in this case, it is absolutely essential. The child needs an environment of safety and security in order to work through grief. If he or she senses the frustration of the parent, then it will be much more difficult for the child to resolve the grief. Remember that this is a hurting, confused little child who needs to be supported and loved in his or her hurting and confusion. When the grief is resolved, you will begin to see the real child that you adopted.
Many will say that since infants and toddlers cannot conceptualize loss and because they cannot verbalize their experience, they do not experience grief. Nothing could be further from the truth! Even though they cannot verbalize it, they still experience loss. An adopted child experiences many losses--the loss of birth parents, the familiarity of the orphanage (or foster care), his or her primary care givers, other children, and the list goes on. The fact that they cannot express this profound sense of loss, however, makes their grief more difficult to overcome.
SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF IN A CHILD
Because the child is unable to verbalize his or her grief, it will be evident in behavioral ways.
1. Decrease in the child's activity level. Parents should still provide consistent opportunities for activity.
2. Decrease in appetite. This may lead to some weight loss. If weight loss does occur, your pediatrician should be consulted.
3. Increase in irritability.
4. Sleep disturbances. The adopted child should sleep in the same room as his or her parents or one parent should be present while the child is falling asleep.
5. Regression in behaviors such as potty training.
CHILD'S NEEDS
1. Consistent routine. This will allow the child to begin to trust you.
2. Additional touching, holding, and cuddling.
3. Additional play time with parents.
4. Expressions of love.
This can be a very trying time for new adoptive parents who are showering their child with love and are not getting loved in return. Not only is patience a virtue, but in this case, it is absolutely essential. The child needs an environment of safety and security in order to work through grief. If he or she senses the frustration of the parent, then it will be much more difficult for the child to resolve the grief. Remember that this is a hurting, confused little child who needs to be supported and loved in his or her hurting and confusion. When the grief is resolved, you will begin to see the real child that you adopted.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Attachment Bricks and Mortar
Imagine watching someone build a brick wall without mortar. The wall will be weak and will not last because it has nothing to hold it together. The person building the wall is wasting his time.
Now imagine the same person building a brick wall using mortar between the bricks. Initially the wall is not strong, but as the mortar hardens, the wall becomes very strong. It will provide safety, security, and comfort, and is almost indestructible.
Attachment is very similar to the wall described above. The “bricks” of attachment are the every day actions of parents: feeding her when she is hungry, changing his diaper when he soils it, soothing her when she is in distress, and many more. If these are the only interactions that a care giver has with a child, however, the attachment will not be very strong or secure. It takes “mortar” to make the attachment strong. The mortar in attachment is the interactions that come so naturally between parents and their child—eye contact, cooing, baby talk, smiling, physical contact, tickling, and a million others! Without those interactions, the attachment will be very insecure.
A child who has been institutionalized most likely has gotten the bricks, but almost certainly has not gotten the mortar, so it will take time for secure attachment to develop. Let’s put this into perspective. If a typical day includes 100 interactions between parent and child (and this is a very conservative estimate), then a 12 month old child in a loving home has received 36,500 of these interactions. A 12 month old child who has been institutionalized, however, has missed out on those. If you adopt a one year old child who has been institutionalized, then there is some catching up that needs to take place!
What a joy it is as an adoptive parent to watch the mortar begin to harden and to see secure attachment begin to develop! It will take time and it will take work, but it will be well worth it!
Now imagine the same person building a brick wall using mortar between the bricks. Initially the wall is not strong, but as the mortar hardens, the wall becomes very strong. It will provide safety, security, and comfort, and is almost indestructible.
Attachment is very similar to the wall described above. The “bricks” of attachment are the every day actions of parents: feeding her when she is hungry, changing his diaper when he soils it, soothing her when she is in distress, and many more. If these are the only interactions that a care giver has with a child, however, the attachment will not be very strong or secure. It takes “mortar” to make the attachment strong. The mortar in attachment is the interactions that come so naturally between parents and their child—eye contact, cooing, baby talk, smiling, physical contact, tickling, and a million others! Without those interactions, the attachment will be very insecure.
A child who has been institutionalized most likely has gotten the bricks, but almost certainly has not gotten the mortar, so it will take time for secure attachment to develop. Let’s put this into perspective. If a typical day includes 100 interactions between parent and child (and this is a very conservative estimate), then a 12 month old child in a loving home has received 36,500 of these interactions. A 12 month old child who has been institutionalized, however, has missed out on those. If you adopt a one year old child who has been institutionalized, then there is some catching up that needs to take place!
What a joy it is as an adoptive parent to watch the mortar begin to harden and to see secure attachment begin to develop! It will take time and it will take work, but it will be well worth it!
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