You adopted your child several years ago. It was a smooth transition and she adjusted well to your family. She is now beginning to show signs of attachment disorder, and you wonder, “How is this possible? She seemed to be so attached to us. What is going on?” Keep reading and you will discover how this can happen!
One common myth about attachment disorder is that if a child is adopted as an infant, then he or she will not have any attachment issues. The reason behind this is that they will receive the love and nurturing that they need right from the start. It is true that the younger a child is when he or she is adopted, the less likely they are to experience severe attachment issues, but it does not eliminate the possibility of attachment issues in the future. Why? Attachment issues are not caused by the adoption or the age of the child at the time of adoption.
Attachment disorder is caused by the shame that the child internalizes as a result of the perceived abandonment and rejection from the birth mother. When a birth mother chooses not to raise her child, the child experiences abandonment and rejection. She will come to the conclusion that she was not good enough for her birth mother or that she is unlovable. This is the beginning of shame! When the child is very young and is receiving the love and nurturing needed from his or her adoptive parents, the shame may not come out. As the child gets older, however, she will begin to have questions about why her birth mom chose not to raise her. If these issues have not been addressed and resolved effectively since her adoption, the result will be attachment issues.
These issues can appear at any time, but there appears to be a few key developmental stages when they are likely to appear. The first is when the child begins school. He is beginning to discover who he is apart from his mom and dad. As he goes through this “discovery” process, his insecurities due to shame may arise. Another stage that attachment may first arise is at the beginning of adolescence. As she moves into adolescence, which is already a time of insecurity, her questions about why she wasn’t good enough for her birth mom may become more consuming, causing greater insecurity and attachment issues. Finally, as the child becomes an adult and begins to think about a life partner and raising children, the shame may arise and cause difficulties.
If you are experiencing this, there is hope. Contact me at kurtellis@att.net and help your child get rid of the shame by resolving the abandonment and rejection issues. It is never too soon and never too late!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Post Adoption Depression
You've gone through ALL of the paperwork and legal proceedings, you've waited (it seems like) forever, and you finally have your child home! Everything is perfect now, right? But what if things aren't perfect? What if you find that you are not attaching to your child? What if it just isn't what you expected? Everyone else is so happy, but you're not. Does this mean you're a bad person? Absolutely not! It may mean that you are suffering from post adoption depression.
Although post adoption depression is often compared to postpartum depression (the "baby blues"), it is definitely not the same. Postpartum depression is thought to be caused primarily by a hormonal imbalance and typically lasts for up to two weeks. Post adoption depression is definitely not hormonal and can last much, much longer. Most people who suffer from post adoption depression also feel very guilty for feeling the way they do, and this only makes the depression worse. They begin to feel like they are in a downward spiral that they cannot get out of. They begin to resent their child, and this again increases their guilt.
Is there any hope? Yes! The first step is to identify the cause of the depression. There are many theories on the cause of post adoption depression, but I believe there are two main causes. The first cause is a natural "crash" of your emotions after you have been on emotional "high alert" for so long. This is especially true at the end of the adoption process as your dream is finally coming true. All of the last minute details and preparation for your trip (in international adoption) can be overwhelming and exciting! After returning home, your emotions naturally crash and can cause a short-term depression.
The second, and more serious, cause of post adoption depression is grief. Grief over the loss of the pregnancy, over the loss of your child's infancy, over the loss of the bonding that begins immediately after the birth, or any number of losses. This grief is most likely unexpected and can often be very profound!
So what do you do now? The second step to working through the depression is to realize that it won't just go away! This is not a sign of weakness!
The third step to relieving the depression and finding joy is to get help. Find a therapist who has experience with post adoption depression. He or she can help guide you through the recovery process and help you experience the joy you had dreamed about!
Although post adoption depression is often compared to postpartum depression (the "baby blues"), it is definitely not the same. Postpartum depression is thought to be caused primarily by a hormonal imbalance and typically lasts for up to two weeks. Post adoption depression is definitely not hormonal and can last much, much longer. Most people who suffer from post adoption depression also feel very guilty for feeling the way they do, and this only makes the depression worse. They begin to feel like they are in a downward spiral that they cannot get out of. They begin to resent their child, and this again increases their guilt.
Is there any hope? Yes! The first step is to identify the cause of the depression. There are many theories on the cause of post adoption depression, but I believe there are two main causes. The first cause is a natural "crash" of your emotions after you have been on emotional "high alert" for so long. This is especially true at the end of the adoption process as your dream is finally coming true. All of the last minute details and preparation for your trip (in international adoption) can be overwhelming and exciting! After returning home, your emotions naturally crash and can cause a short-term depression.
The second, and more serious, cause of post adoption depression is grief. Grief over the loss of the pregnancy, over the loss of your child's infancy, over the loss of the bonding that begins immediately after the birth, or any number of losses. This grief is most likely unexpected and can often be very profound!
So what do you do now? The second step to working through the depression is to realize that it won't just go away! This is not a sign of weakness!
The third step to relieving the depression and finding joy is to get help. Find a therapist who has experience with post adoption depression. He or she can help guide you through the recovery process and help you experience the joy you had dreamed about!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I'm Really Back!
I have come to a conclusion about myself--I am a much better post-adoption and attachment therapist than I am a blogger! While I have had good intentions for this blog, I obviously have not followed through on those intentions. Until now! I know that this can be a great forum for sharing ideas and for struggling parents to get help and support.
So, I'm really back this time. Please check often for new posts and to ask questions or to respond to others' comments. Also, please let me know what topics you would like to see discussed on this blog. I look forward to hearing from many of you!
Kurt
So, I'm really back this time. Please check often for new posts and to ask questions or to respond to others' comments. Also, please let me know what topics you would like to see discussed on this blog. I look forward to hearing from many of you!
Kurt
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