When to Inform the Adopted Child That He or She is Adopted

There are two general schools of thought on how and when to inform an adopted child that he or she is adopted. The first is to wait until the child is old enough to understand. The second is to make it part of your conversation with the child from the very beginning even though the child will not understand. So which way is the best way? Let's examine both.

WAIT UNTIL THE CHILD IS OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND

The benefit of this method is that the adoptive parents can have a meaningful conversation about the adoption and can answer any questions that the child may have. The adoptive parents can explain their reasons for adopting and can share as much background information as they have about the birth family.

The drawbacks to this method, however, outweigh the benefits. This very likely will confuse the child's sense of self-identity. It may also cause the child to lose trust in his or her adoptive parents. The child may wonder what other "lies" he or she has been told. It may also cause the child to wonder if the parents kept the truth from him or her because they are disappointed that they could not have "children of their own".

MAKE IT PART OF NORMAL CONVERSATIONS

In this method, the adoptive parent is essentially giving the adopted child all of the pieces of the puzzle, even though the child is not yet able to complete the puzzle. As the child develops cognitively, however, the pieces are there for him or her to begin to put together. The adoptive parents are also able to help put the pieces together. As the pieces are put together, the picture begins to take shape. The puzzle is completed slowly as the child's understanding grows.

I believe that this is the best method for several reasons. First, it fosters trust from the very beginning and does not cause the child to wonder what other secrets have been kept from him or her. Second, it decreases the likelihood of damaging the child's self-identity, especially as they enter different developmental stages. Third, it sends the message that adoption is a beautiful thing and not something to be kept hidden. It also sends the message that adoption is a "normal" way for families to grow. Fourth, it gives the child the opportunity to ask questions when he or she is ready with confidence that the questions will be answered honestly. Finally, it gives the family the opportunity to celebrate the child's heritage and culture (if different from the adoptive parents) and important events such as the child's adoption day.

I know that this is a very controversial topic that can evoke many reactions. Your comments and the discussion that follow are welcome.