All of us have experienced loss and the grief that results from that loss. Most psychologists agree that we all go through the same stages in the grieving process. Each of us, however, experiences that grief in our own unique way.
Many will say that since infants and toddlers cannot conceptualize loss and because they cannot verbalize their experience, they do not experience grief. Nothing could be further from the truth! Even though they cannot verbalize it, they still experience loss. An adopted child experiences many losses--the loss of birth parents, the familiarity of the orphanage (or foster care), his or her primary care givers, other children, and the list goes on. The fact that they cannot express this profound sense of loss, however, makes their grief more difficult to overcome.
SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF IN A CHILD
Because the child is unable to verbalize his or her grief, it will be evident in behavioral ways.
1. Decrease in the child's activity level. Parents should still provide consistent opportunities for activity.
2. Decrease in appetite. This may lead to some weight loss. If weight loss does occur, your pediatrician should be consulted.
3. Increase in irritability.
4. Sleep disturbances. The adopted child should sleep in the same room as his or her parents or one parent should be present while the child is falling asleep.
5. Regression in behaviors such as potty training.
CHILD'S NEEDS
1. Consistent routine. This will allow the child to begin to trust you.
2. Additional touching, holding, and cuddling.
3. Additional play time with parents.
4. Expressions of love.
This can be a very trying time for new adoptive parents who are showering their child with love and are not getting loved in return. Not only is patience a virtue, but in this case, it is absolutely essential. The child needs an environment of safety and security in order to work through grief. If he or she senses the frustration of the parent, then it will be much more difficult for the child to resolve the grief. Remember that this is a hurting, confused little child who needs to be supported and loved in his or her hurting and confusion. When the grief is resolved, you will begin to see the real child that you adopted.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Attachment Bricks and Mortar
Imagine watching someone build a brick wall without mortar. The wall will be weak and will not last because it has nothing to hold it together. The person building the wall is wasting his time.
Now imagine the same person building a brick wall using mortar between the bricks. Initially the wall is not strong, but as the mortar hardens, the wall becomes very strong. It will provide safety, security, and comfort, and is almost indestructible.
Attachment is very similar to the wall described above. The “bricks” of attachment are the every day actions of parents: feeding her when she is hungry, changing his diaper when he soils it, soothing her when she is in distress, and many more. If these are the only interactions that a care giver has with a child, however, the attachment will not be very strong or secure. It takes “mortar” to make the attachment strong. The mortar in attachment is the interactions that come so naturally between parents and their child—eye contact, cooing, baby talk, smiling, physical contact, tickling, and a million others! Without those interactions, the attachment will be very insecure.
A child who has been institutionalized most likely has gotten the bricks, but almost certainly has not gotten the mortar, so it will take time for secure attachment to develop. Let’s put this into perspective. If a typical day includes 100 interactions between parent and child (and this is a very conservative estimate), then a 12 month old child in a loving home has received 36,500 of these interactions. A 12 month old child who has been institutionalized, however, has missed out on those. If you adopt a one year old child who has been institutionalized, then there is some catching up that needs to take place!
What a joy it is as an adoptive parent to watch the mortar begin to harden and to see secure attachment begin to develop! It will take time and it will take work, but it will be well worth it!
Now imagine the same person building a brick wall using mortar between the bricks. Initially the wall is not strong, but as the mortar hardens, the wall becomes very strong. It will provide safety, security, and comfort, and is almost indestructible.
Attachment is very similar to the wall described above. The “bricks” of attachment are the every day actions of parents: feeding her when she is hungry, changing his diaper when he soils it, soothing her when she is in distress, and many more. If these are the only interactions that a care giver has with a child, however, the attachment will not be very strong or secure. It takes “mortar” to make the attachment strong. The mortar in attachment is the interactions that come so naturally between parents and their child—eye contact, cooing, baby talk, smiling, physical contact, tickling, and a million others! Without those interactions, the attachment will be very insecure.
A child who has been institutionalized most likely has gotten the bricks, but almost certainly has not gotten the mortar, so it will take time for secure attachment to develop. Let’s put this into perspective. If a typical day includes 100 interactions between parent and child (and this is a very conservative estimate), then a 12 month old child in a loving home has received 36,500 of these interactions. A 12 month old child who has been institutionalized, however, has missed out on those. If you adopt a one year old child who has been institutionalized, then there is some catching up that needs to take place!
What a joy it is as an adoptive parent to watch the mortar begin to harden and to see secure attachment begin to develop! It will take time and it will take work, but it will be well worth it!
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